02.17.06

it's been a tough few weeks. after finding out about a month ago that i was pregnant, i miscarried recently, to the tune of alot of blood, cramping, and crying.

the whole experience, happiness of being pregnant, utter awareness of the imminent changes about to be wrought in my life, plunging into hormone-charge emotional and physical flagging brought on by "being pregnant" one day and not being the next... it's all kind of disorienting and strangely profound.

all of this is, of course, tinged by the fact of an abortion had by a much former self, who lived in a different body, a different mindset, a different place, and thought/felt/abused in different ways. i thought i was too smart or too cynical to believe in divine vengeance, but apparently i believe in alot of things that i was told, even those i've spent years trying to untell myself.

the moral of the story, as i can see it now, is that over the past seven years, despite all of the changes that i have made, despite all of the numbing posturing i have adopted, alot of my problems have never gone away. i have thought and thought to myself, believed myself when i told myself, that i have changed, grown, evolved, prospered, vanquished and suceeded.

the reality, starkly, as i can see it and feel it somewhere in the very center of my body, is that i haven't changed at all, that all i have done is deny myself the possibility of change, and adopted one habitual way of thinking to replace another.

now i am sitting here, looking around at my life, my marriage, my apartment, my job, my body, my clothes, my mindset, my emotions... and realize that i haven't been awake to my life in years and somehow, just somehow, i ended up somewhere that i am not even sure i want to be.