2000-05-08

sad and not sad. worried and not worried.

i don't know.

skaterboy came over for lunch today. he offered to me "the talk" that i guess he was supposed to have given me about a month or so ago. about how he isn't in a position to commit... you know, that talk.

i left work soon after, around three. walking home down market, half crying, full crying, the wind blowing snot out of my nose. i felt so sad and tired and restless, trying to figure out what to do with myself "next".

decided to sit in front of safeway. ended up having a long conversation with an intrinsically strange guy named brendan, about relationships and life, about keeping things simple and making yourself strong. we talked about how the "universe" (or whatever) sends things along to us when we need them. in much the same way that i needed someone to talk to and tell me that none of this is my fault, none of this is skaterboy's fault. that it is just the way it goes.

...and more about the difference between being alone and being lonely.

blah. i dunno. i am extremely disappointed and sad. it was hard to be sitting next to skaterboy in the park. i'm attracted to him, and i like him. i like spending time with him. but if he doesn't feel the same about me, what can i do? not alot. he said he would make me a tape, give me a skateboard. will he do either? i dunno.

i tried to explain to brendan, that luke was someone sent to me in a certain time of need, and it is hard for me to let go of that, even if the timing for him and all that is past.

luke said he would like to see my project when i was done with it. perhaps i will send it to him when i am done with it.

so there it is. lust and like and fantasy quelled. my heart feels real disappointed, and i feel lonelier and sadder. why, i don't know, considering that he hasn't even been here or around for so many weeks. but i guess it is the idea of it all, that is gone now. hard-coated endings are hard to grapple with, sometimes.

what next, i was wandering and wondering to myself.

as i quote an ex-roommate of mine, "you never ever know what is going to happen."

i'll try to keep that in mind. it's just that, well, as i whine about all the time, i'm so tired of my heart hurting the way it does.