2001-05-25

eleven o'two...

brain is duly fried. five boxes of nitrous sucked me into a luscious two and a half hour haze. somewhere near the tail-end i baked cranberry bread.

yes, i can bake bread while doing nitrous. i am a woman with many talents.

drifting in and out of nitrous fog i thought about many things... i remembered somewhere in there that i kind of like hanging out by myself... i make myself laugh, can belch and fart around myself without feeling badly, and i only try to have sex with myself when i am in the mood.

so the next couple of days shouldn't be too bad.

that said, i watched the world according to garp, and though i don't find it to be cinematic greatness, for some reason it made me cry, nearly the whole way through.

sometimes, i look up at the ceiling and see this wall of emotion towering over me. it's love and fear and anger and weakness and lust and loneliness and pride. it all comes crashing down, and i just crumple into a heap, crying because everything, LIFE, is a beautiful gorgeous mess...

i was thinking about:: ...the night mike called me at two in the morning after a night of drinking, weed and coke. it was five hours of his almost nonsensical ramblings, punctuated with his slurred "i love you"s

and

..."will you have my baby?"

... him rolling over in the mornings, minutes before the alarm, holding me close, kissing me on the cheek.

... watching him striding nakedly around the apartment, all muscle and balls and shoulders and pomposity.

i wish he were in bed with me tonight, like he always is.