2000-02-17

i rarely, if ever, take the time to leave the office during lunch hour.

the streets are always so crowded, with a sense of downtown scramble and urgency that i would usually rather avoid. i remember, this past summer, the days i skipped out of my last job to come and interview for my current one. i found all the hubbub exciting, thrilling almost. now, of course its lost its charm.

initially, it was a huge stretch, moving from a quiet hilltop ranch-style office space (which overlooked a canyon, nonetheless), to downtown, financial district daytime. belmont smelled better, and smoking breaks were quiet and almost natural.

here, now, i avoid the lunchtime crowds. i haven't been out of the building between 1130 and 230 in so long, i had almost forgotten what it was like. people, everywhere. mack trucks, tourist buses, delivery vans, couriers, tourists, suits, art school kids, a million cigarette butts, bakeries running over time, every one hurrying along or wandering slowly.

and the stuff! the stuff! free yogurt, free energy drinks, coupons for lunch, coupons for dinner, ski trips to tahoe, money off your next nokia purchase. take these pantyhose, help yourself to a cookie. we like our silverware plastic, and macy's is having a sale.

such a blitz. all the art school kids are slouching with fuschia-haired defiance, three fat men are talking about servers and the block's self-appointed homeless raver is stark and loony today.

crowded, but no summer smells. not like it was when i used to venture out here. its cold, even in the sun, and it's raining in hiccuped fits. this city is so strange, and this city is so small, and this city never throws anything too out of the ordinary my way. instead, the ordinary just shifts and changes, just enough, until something ordinary catches my eye again. i feel awkward and i feel at home, and i feel like i could own this place, or that i do, and then it all becomes so alien again....

i'm not quite sure what i mean. i couldn't sleep last night, i have the worst sore, twisted, can't-turn-my-head-neck i've ever had. last night i woke up at 430 in the morning, could barely get up out of bed. went to the bathroom only to realize that i had no aspirin, so i took some cold medicine, since it had achy-bone aspirin in it. i was in so much pain i could barely lift the glass of water to my mouth, which was really really scary. i started to cry (of course), but the aspirin kicked in soon enough and i was left with a little bit of sleep.... i feel like a truck ran over my neck. recurrent problems from years of inadequate sleeping arrangements.

of course, i am supposed to go out to dinner with skaterboy this evening, and i just feel to shitty to want to go. perhaps i will say so... depends on how this advil starts faring....