2000-06-13

its a really melancholy time for me.

despite the whole tattoo thing, the one year since the abortion is weighing really heavy on me. i'm a sentimental person. dates and times mean something to me.

i find myself apologizing all over again, to myself, to alex, to the baby. i find myself reliving that horrendous feeling of having life literally vacuumed out of my uterus, and all the excruciating pain that went with it.

i find myself reliving lying on the concrete at the drive-around at st. lukes, waiting for alex to get there to pick me up. it was hot, and i had consumed about 9 vicodin and 4 valium by that point. by the time i was in the car i was almost giddy about the whole thing.

last year was the worst year of my life.

today kind of sucked too. i was in the middle of a meeting when this totally random, lanky guy walked over to me and asked me out.

in front of three of my co-workers.

not only am i not remotely attracted to him, i thought it was utterly inappropriate... but only in retrospect. at the time i was so mortified all i could think of was giving him my number and getting him the hell away from me.

it was all exacerbated when this big gay black guy that works with us said " oh, and i can tell you what it is that he likes about you."

i have big tits.

and there ain't shit i can do about it.

but it made me really self-conscious and miserable, like i wanted to cry. i felt really shitty and stupid. i felt this real reflex-like desire to retreat back to the way i looked about five years ago. i weighed about 20 pounds more than i do now, wore big baggy t-shirts and big baggy jeans.

you wouldn't have caught me dead in some of the girly things i wear now. cuz i hated just the sort of attention that i got today... that whole I AM GIRL THEREFORE I AM TO BE .... i dunno. its nice when i think that some guy is attracted to me. it sucks when i feel stupid, dumb and self-conscious for being who i am.

if that makes any sense.

hsdkfjhadkjf.

skaterboy totally hasn't called me back. i am not sure why. im bummed as usual, and am amazed that i didn't even have to talk to him to render myself that way.... just use the guy for his name and a face to imagine, and i can roll the whole drama along by itself.

im real sad today. and lonely and depressed. modest mouse was good, but i felt all disconnected and far away from what was going on.

it bummed me out even more.

bleh.