2000-01-29

duuuuuuuuuuuuude. what the fuck.

no. seriously.

WHAT THE FUCK. reality is soooooo twisted.

okay, so today was shaping up to be nice, but bland, what with the sun out and paying bills and calling 1-800 numbers to order fucking checks.

so i had to shake shit up. I MUST. at three in the afternoon i decide to down a bottle of cough medicine... ahhhhhhh the sweet swing of the old school tripper days [kids:: don't try this at home. if you die it is not my fault].. bliss bliss bliss.

i am about an hour and 45 minutes in, jamming a little lucious jackson, the phone rings, its alex:: "caffeine?" 'drixxed' "oh. sorry. nevermind." that sort of thing.

AH BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. the insidious thing about drixx is the way it sort of warps your thought spirals. it is feasible to get caught in a thought-cycle that becomes of utmost and total importance to one's spiritual/mental/emotional wellbeing to follow. (it feels this way. if you are cracked out like me, you believe that it really is this way. you believe that for whatever fucked up reason, a portal to temporary spiritual centered-ness is sold on the shelf as a cough suppressant. [god. that does sound cracked.])

ANYWAYS. so alex gets caught in my mental spiral. i start thinking to myself, well... yah, he's been good lately about bugging me about hanging out. so there's willingness for friendship there, but whenever we hang out we somehow talk more about work/news/whatever than the emotional side to things, (since that was usually obscured by craziness between us, i guess). and all of a sudden, i'm like... WHAT THE FUCK????? I HAVE KNOWN THIS GUY FOR LIKE, SEVEN YEARS AND I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HIM.

which tweaked me out.

and so i called him. i figured since he was already aware that i was drixxing, random questions prying into him about his basic structure wouldn't take him by surprise. and so i called. and i did pry. and he wasn't particularly surprised. rad.

we talked for the first time about THE GIRL I KNEW WAS THERE (fucking lord is my intuition supreme). not a twinge of fucking jealousy. well. "am i smarter than her?" was the requisite question. i don't give a fuck if her tits are better or if she's cuter or if he loves her more, i care about MY INTELLECTUAL SUPREMECY*&@^#*&@^#*&^@# yes this is fucking retarded, but i think overridingly i've always wanted him to be approving of my brain more than anything else. which, of course, is never the body part a gurl typically pimps out for relational sake. no wonder we bombed.

anyways. so yah. i mean, we addressed the fact that he has read my diary, about the weirdness that is my recent compulsion to push all facets of my life online. for whatever weird reason. attention. mama. wire hangers. i dunno. we discussed, of all things, SKATERBOY! cuz it was all uneven, friends, all uneven. i knew jack shit about him and his life. and here he knew about every time i got laid. (or didn't.)

point being it was crazy fucked up! ME ASKING ALEX FOR ADVICE ON MY BOY PROBLEMS*#^&$(*&#^*&$ like, what the fuck. what the fuck? me trying to get him to tell me the details of his gurlie issues so i could give him advice. WUUUUUUT???? no way. there is just no way. i mean, four, five years ago he used to turn to me for girl input and i did it gladly. two years ago i would have gone ballistic if he even mentioned a gurls name.

and we've swung back around again? oh my god. drixx taught me that alex and i really are meant to be friends. i could say that the whole sex/relational thing could have been avoided, but sometimes i think if none of that had existed we wouldn't really be talking all that much anymore.

ah well. he gave me good advice, to say the least. its rare you get the opportunity to get solid feedback on your ISSUES per se. i gotsta chill the fuck out. stop pre-pushing crap and stop building building up pretend boy shrines in my head. start paying real attention to the boys, i guess.

whoa. what a novel idea.

i gave advice to him too! my advice was awesome! HE'S DATING A FUCKING TWENTY YEAR OLD*@&^#%&*@^#(*&^@#*&^@(*#&^@*# AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA. ohmifuckinglord. you've got to be kidding me. oh look. no editing.

ahem. not that i am really one to talk. well. skaterboy turns 22 tomorrow! i talked to him for an hour tonight, after i called on the stern advisory of alex. and it was good, i guess. he is currently working stock in a pharmacy in menlo park. he was fascinated with the catheter/douche/tampons stuff. "i figured it all out. i read the back. i didn't want to know, but i read the back."

heh. skaterboy with his bushman hair wearing a tie, crouched down in a pharmacy aisle reading catheter instructions. "THEY STICK IT IN YOUR DICK!".

*sigh*

so, you know, it was interesting. at one point i tried to figure out whether or not i would bother listening to him babble about nonsense if i didn't think he were SOOOO FUCKING HOT. mmmm. pointless to ponder.

he's rad. he babbles. i'm over it.

BUT. still haven't seen him. still no plans to see him. i'm fucking confused. he got another call and had to go. its for his roommate. i guess i'll talk to you later. okay. bye. thanks for calling. bye.

and i am still totally confused. i dunno. i mean, i wouldn't ever in my wildest dreams spend an hour on the phone talking to someone that i didn't really like or want to be talking to. i just wouldn't. so why doesn't he want to see me?

hrm. for all my condescension (mostly feigned-- this guy teaches me so much about so many things that are so new). but yeah, i cop alot of attitude with my self-oiled ivory tower crammed so efficiently up my well-thought-out-ass. i act like i am shizznitzy. and, well, i spend enough time analyzing to know that few people analyze as well as i. this, is, true.

why doesn't skaterboy want to see me? whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy. tomorrow is his birthday. dammit. he is going to the beach at sunrise to do his stretching. awwwww.

to mr. skaterboy, i wish you a very very very happy birthday. i hope you have a beautiful sunrise, to begin a beautiful and happy year! you are a gorgeous boy! you are a kind kind person! and you are a good man. you really are.

*sigh*. i resolve to rein myself in. to slow down and do my best to keep things real. to not play pride games. to try to stay cool and not overthink you. cuz i really really want to learn how to just be real and pure. for a change.