2000-04-13

things currently keeping me alive:

• oriental snack mix

• camel light cigarettes

• salt and vinegar potato chips

• metabolift

• porn

• sleep

• hope

• diet coke

• work

• the internet

• doing the website for the skate zine

• beer. lots of beer.

things currently killing me:

• heartbreak

• greasy foods

• camel light cigarettes

• metabolift

• the internet

• work politics

• depression

• fog

• too much alcohol

• too much stress

i don't know where i am headed at all right now. for a while i feel like i just give up trying to try. i get so depressed and feel like reneging on the world. and then someone else throws themselves in front of a train on the morning commute, and i think about how in the mornings i stand at the edge of the platform and close my eyes as the train passes by, trying to guess what the exact moment of impact would be.

but that motion and emotion of mine, is all forgery, in a way. sometimes i think it takes so many more guts to die than to live... then sometimes i don't believe that at all.

i need something to pull me out of depression. this is just getting worse.
bleh.