2000-02-20

i realized today some intersting things...

i know that i am a good person, i do.

i know that i try really hard to do the right things, to do right by people.

i know that i am a weak person too, with alot of faults. i know that i act whimfully and indecisively, and that causes alot more pain to myself and others than is necessary.

i know that i feel alot of things that i don't understand, and often times they are very heavy things to lug around, like possessions i never wanted to own.

i know that i am a pretty narcissistic person.

i know that i am sentimental.

i know that i know when i love things, or miss things.

agh.

i hung out with alex today.

and i don't think that i can do that anymore.

just.... i dunno. we were sitting forever in the parking garage today, after a million and one things go wrong (as usual), and i felt warm and happy and comfortable, just sitting still and talking to him.

and i felt like the ticket stub in his car, from when he and chris and i went to santa cruz, like almost a year ago. i felt like that, i felt like i was ten months ago, and i don't want to be ten months ago, and i don't want to feel warm and happy and comfortable around him because that just feels like loving him all over again.

i can't see him anymore. i can't see you anymore alex. i'm really really sorry, but let's face it, its sort of pointless, since i can never be just a friend to you. always underlying motivation for the flinging of guacamole. it wont go away. and it will just make me selfish and mean and old and horrible.

and i don't want to be mean and old and horrible. i want to be young and all those things that it means, like post-rain and productivity! and prettiness and light! i don't want to be bogged in heavy things, and alex is alot of heavy things. but alex is nice things. and i like those nice things. fuck.

i dunno. i dunno what to do. i dunno what to think. jus tstay together and think forwards, i guess. i guess. i guess that is all there is to do.

man, life is really hard.



i know i suck.

i know i how much i suck.

f7uck.