2000-07-04

its been a stretch of near-painful oblivion, all these days off. i am cued in as to exactly how hard it is for me to sit within my own skin sometimes.... i have been jumpy, irritable, restless and sad. i got into a fight with my mom, an emailed senseless spat with alex, and have all around been an ornery person.

i went on a date with another guy from The Personal Ad Episode, and i actually had alot of fun, altho he kept telling me why he and i could never date (i am too annoying? obnoxious? what was that word he used?)... alternated with the spicy analytic flavor of "you are scared to get close to people" which is an oldie but goodie in my book. ah, whatever, i just let shit fly, since i don't have directive in mind for it all at any rate. it was weird, but interesting.

usual bouts of skaterboy emotional turmoil. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. i guess i should just call him, talk to him, see what is going on. i miss him so much, and i am not sure why. it really sucks. i dunno. i tell myself that i am trying to just bolt ahead and move on, but using him as a watermark for other individuals doesn't quite intimate to me, as it shouldn't to you, that i am at all over him.

i am a flaming idiot, clad in an intellectual sheep's clothing.

so its the fourth of july. i am hungover, and sad. i have a brand new day of work tomorrow that feels like the first day of school. i have a plane flight to take on friday, (much to my survivalist instinct's dismay), i have strange and unknown family members with which i shall unite, i have a foggy and cold san francisco summer, i have an unrequited romantic longing, i have a futile search for a new apartment under way, i have nothing, really.

god. i am depressed today.

i want skaterboy back.