2000-01-27

well well well. i felt almost bad about writing yesterday, after ladolcevita touted my mastery of the purveyance of misery... since i have been in a weirdly sound and happy mood for the past few days. but what the hell. i can still sprinkle my entry with my signature foul language and perhaps we can all remain friends in the long run, despite my deviance from the norm?? =)

yesterday i was nearly ecstatic. call it a mixture of excessive caffeine and ma-haung-based pillage, but i was genuinely secure and happy feeling. i pushed my first production project through to completion with a startling lack of errors, and its on to the live site for our relaunch. i was proud proud proud of immersing myself in something i knew nothing about and proving that i could do it. over-heads seem pleased and i am happy and fruity as punch. like a big pitcher with a bitchass grin, busting through walls left and right. yes. my mood was that good.

i even went home and dug out old reggae tapes. i don't know why i don't listen to that sort of music more often. it never fails to put me in a laugh/smile/smirk for no good reason sort of mood. ahhhh laa laa laa.

i didn't even seem to care that skaterboy hasn't called. i realized he's been on a three-day call schedule. maybe he will call tonight. maybe he won't. his b-day is in three days, and i don't know whether or not i should bother getting anything together for him. he has a weird aversion to me buying him anything. in his broke state, i don't quite understand it.... he just gets all silent and keeps asking me why i am soo "nice" to him.

CUZ I LIKE YOU, YOU ASSHOLE.

sheesh. men. so i was thinking, perhaps he is right. perhaps something i made or wrote for him would be more meaningful anyways. i tried to sit down the other night and write him something that would convey to him why i am so nice...

for background, i met him on halloween. i had argued early in the day with alex... who had stopped by my house randomly in the morning with a tinge of weed, looking tired as all hell... turned out he had been at a party somewhere in berkeley the night before. which isn't a big deal, but at that point i was still crying about our "split" on an hourly basis. the night he was at a party i was laying in the darkness of my apartment sobbing and missing him like hell. so the last thing i needed in front of my face the next day was evidence of his glee and freedom and life outside of/away from me. it sounds really lame, and it is. but at the time i was ripe pissed.

then, halloween evening i ended up drinking about ten beers too many. got into an argument with chris over drunken gropeage. which i do alot. he doesn't understand my aversion, and prolly never will. "settle down i'm not doing anything i just want to (insert hand-hold, hold, hug, whatever here)." he doesn't understand that i went with that once a long time ago and ended up being forced into too much more. which broke a wonderful friendship with someone. so i don't stand for that any more. BUT... point being chris and i get into a fight, and i start wending my drunken way through thousands of crazed costume clad weirdos, down market, all alone.

i was too drunk. i had argued with pretty much everyone who meant anything to me at that point. i was still way off on the emotional tangent that had plagued me since the abortion. i am wandering lonely down market. my overladen bag breaks, my shit goes spilling everywhere around me on the closed off street. hundreds... no, THOUSANDS of people pouring around me, stepping on my shit, obliviously kicking it off in all directions. noone notices me trying to gather my stuff. noone really cares.

i scrounge up all my stuff. i dig thirty cents out of my pocket... i am going to call alex, tell him drunkenly why i was screaming that i hated him as he fled my apartment/emotional tirade that exploded on him (quite unexpectedly for him i think). i am wandering, sobbing and frustrated and tired at this point... trying to find a phone that some drunken slobbery person (like me) wasn't dominating.

i find a phone on the corner of market and fourteenth, across from the thai resteraunt. i am standing there waiting for death and a fairy to get done with the phone. i am still crying, people walking by staring at me like i am a freak for this show of emotion. or maybe they were wondering what had happened. or maybe they were just glad they weren't me at that point.

and then i hear "what happened?" and there's skaterboy, in tight polyester pants looking nothing like the Captain Morgan he later purported he had been dressed like. i was startled. somehow we ended up sitting and talking. i remember him telling me about amy, his ex-gf back in wisconsin. how hard that whole break-up had been on him. i told him at some point about the abortion over the summer. i remember he had his arm around me and i felt soo much better. like someone out there gave half a shit. like maybe people weren't so bad after all. i felt comfortable talking to him. i felt happy.

i got to work the next morning, and he had left me a message that night, even though i had stormed off from him too, for some reason. some drunk reason.

and so it all began.

and so is the reason i am so nice to him. because he gained friendship from me that night, quicker than anyone ever had before. because he reached out to me when i needed it most, even though he had no idea... even though it may seem like nothing to anyone else, it meant (and means) everything to me. i am a conservative judger in friendship. it takes forever before i see someone as a friend, usually. i am closed that way. but when someone is a friend of mine, i would do absolutely anything in my power for them.

so that's why i am so fucking nice to him. and i think that since i feel friendship with him beyond all the sex/boy/girl/dating crap, i feel less likely to cling to him with the usual desperation of dating angst, which usually results out of my loneliness tacking itself any relationship that is purely physical or otherwise devoid of emotional basis.

at least that's my theory.

maybe i'll just send him the url to this entry and have him read it here. i dunno.

its sunny out today. i am wearing a skirt again. i'm wary that things are already so good, and its only 10 in the morning.

=)