2000-03-28

talked to skaterboy this morning, and found out why he called. it had nothing to do with ME, it had to do with money.

tried to tell him about friday, about how i sat around waiting for him to call.

"did you say you were going to call on friday? or was i on crack?"

"friday? i dunno. i don't even know what i did on friday."

"you said on wednesday that you were going to call. i sat around waiting for five hours."

"why did you sit around? why didn't you go home?"

"CUZ YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO CALL."

yah. another call. have to go.

whatever.

the money.... in a fit of kindness a while back i thought i would help him out with his van, which has been broken down... he said it would cost him about $250 to fix, which he didn't have.

i lied and said that i had called some people about hauling away some stuff from my backyard, and that they had said that it would cost $100.

"i could give you $100 instead, up front, so you could fix your van. then you could haul this stuff away for me."

he called because that was what he wanted to do. but i just don't feel like being nice to him anymore, since he hasn't been that nice to me, lately.

"forget it. i don't care about the stuff."

it blows my mind, how little he cares. how little he cares about me or anything that happened between us. maybe nothing happened between us. maybe it was all in my head.

he doesn't like me. he won't ever. he is, obviously, finished and done with me, as a person, as a girl.

i'm so angry and mad. he called me because of the money. not because of me. not because he wants to see me. cuz he doesn't. he doesn't give the least bit of a shit about me. it sucks, because i give alot of a shit about him.

or i did.

now i just don't ever want to talk to him again.

fucking bastard. FUCKING FUCKING BASTARD.

hurt. mad. upset. feeling used. feeling ignored. feeling rejected. feeling lame. feeling like a total fucking loser. feeling like an idiot. feeling stupid, ignorant, upheaveled, wrong and denied.

not the best way to start my tuesday. not the best way to watch all of this end.

and to think i thought that he meant it, when he said he wanted to be friends. to think that i thought he meant it, when he said he didn't want to fuck things up with me.

to think that i thought he cared.

i am so fucking stupid.

update::225pm::

today i sat by the urban decay fountain down at the embarcadero. i felt very guilty about the vehemence with which i have always hated pigeons... after all, they have never done anything to me.

i thought about this whole skaterboy thing. indeed, i put alot of stress on the situation with him. i have weird expectations, from people. i always seem to expect my behavior to come out of other people. that is somewhat self-centered, and very wrong.

however, that doesn't mean that he has been nice, or considerate, or has even cared.