2000-06-02

today i am shaky and tired. i think i am getting sick.

we received offers today, at work. let us say, for instance, there is a little old startup getting shoehorned into a big company. seems to be the hypothetical trend these days. i remember the many conversations had about what would happen when the big fat greedy internet bubble burst.

well it happened. and i (will most likely) still have a job. and a very tasty bonus after six months, should i choose to accept the mission of putting up with alot of structural shit and bowing to the heaviness of corporate america that i tried to escape.

the bonus tho. i could do alot with that.

so i left work feeling... kind of stale.

i was going to call alex, to see what he was up to. couldn't find or remember his number. good thing i didn't call... when i got home, there was a long and drawn out message on my machine, courtesy of an accidently speed-dialed number from the cell phone in his pocket.

i listened to him with his new girlfriend.

she sounded chattery. and "perky". if she has anything over me, it is certainly perkiness. i fail miserably at perky. i guess guys like that sort of thing.

he. he sounded different than he ever sounds when he is/was with me. we never could keep much of a conversation.

i don't really know why. i am trying to not blame it all on myself. he had sent me this really random message this week, like "hey, you know i do care about you, i think everything will be okay some day"... that sort of thing. after i got it, i felt all up on my friendship with him. as if HEY, YEAH, WE ARE FRIENDS AND ALL AND WE CAN GET ALONG.

then i am sitting here in my apartment in twilight, listening to him being happy and carrying on with this new girlfriend and i am staring at the wall listening to them laugh and talk and i am feeling all torn apart, like i want to be happy for him without hating myself for being less than she is, or being envious of him having someone, or wishing that i was the one in the room with him and not her, or feeling empty at the thought that i care about it at all.

i have these slippery noodles for emotional ends, and i am doing poorly at keeping them all knotted together.

update::1136pm::

a dinner of cinnamon toast crunch, and hours upon hours of random diary reading. it was a total diaryland binge. i have been in alot of people's heads over the past couple of hours. among other things i am glad that i am not a thirteen year old girl anymore (epitome of hell, in alot of ways). i am also glad i am not a seventeen year old guy in south carolina. sounds equally poor.

online diaries. what can and cannot be said about them. dear god, what a weird phenomenon. i can't even decipher what i think about the whole thing. i can tell you that i gravitate to mine because it gives me suitable impetus to write. since i sit in front of a computer ALL FUCKING DAY LONG, and am on the internet ALL FUCKING DAY LONG, making my FUCKING LIVING (ahem)... it seems calming and fine and almost balancing for me to be able to pop out of xsl and dhtml and html and photoshop and all that other shit i am trying to learn... and just, well, EMOTE.

i can tell you on top of alot of other things, that this writing and emotion has become alot more automatic and relieving since i removed that stupid counter from the site. if noone reads, if everyone reads, i don't know. it's alot better that way.

i dunno if everyone else is lonely. maybe everyone is always lonely.

i have been living on cereal, hummus, modest mouse and built to spill for three days. i haven't cleaned, and i haven't even made it on my walks home. lately i haven't been feeling well, in weird ways. time to go to the doctah again and have them draw gallons of blood and tell me that nothing is wrong.

argh. its almost midnight, and i really ought to go to sleep.

more updates later as late night pseudo-reflection warrants.

mmmmm. cinnamon toast crunch with cartoons tomorrow. there are those moments of brightness, are there not.

update::125am:: early early morning. i am dead tired but i feel afraid to go to sleep. it feels like nightmare weather, inside my head tonight. lately i have alot of nightmares. capper is the one i had where i felt someone crawl onto my bed and start hissing "esssssss-cape! esssssssss-cape!" in a very nasty satan-lizard like voice. i have never been so terrified in my entire life.

i don't know what my problem is today. i feel all disjointed and lost like. this entry is getting to be a little long for my tastes, but oh well. much like adele hugo, my need to fend off impending insanity through copious amounts of writing and an almost fatuistic fixation on unrequited love, is simply overwhelming.