2000-02-11

hmmm. well. skaterboy called last night, close to midnight. three days after he got back. and after three hours of raucous gallaga playing.

mmm. thanks. thanks for the importance ranking there, i appreciate that.

whatever. he said he talked to joe about the pip site and i dunno.... "don't work too hard on it jenn. really. don't."

which, i was too tired to explain, really took the wind out of one of the only things i have been happy about recently. so overall the call deflated me more than anything else.

kinda lame.

he said he would be calling me after he got home from work this evening, after 8. whatever. i hope he doesn't. i hope i never hear from him again. i really really do.

after he called, i postulated on my life, in general, trying to grasp that intangible sense of "what i want", and how in the world i am supposed to come across it.

its not difficult to attain, any of the things i want... not really. i find my aspirations to be quite plain, pretty mundane.

1. a real relationship with a real boy. granted i haven't had one in ages, but i know i am capable of it... at least i used to be. as a girl here at work termed it quite aptly:: "its like, all you want is a guy to hang out with, eat pizza, smoke bowls, have sex". EXACTLY! is that so much to ask? i think not.
   
   

   how to come about this is a different story. this i do not know. in one light, i think this whole skaterboy experience has taken some of the freaky edge off of the whole dating process. so perhaps i will be better ready to cope next time. whenever that may be. if it ever is.

2. consummate knowledge of dhtml and xml. this will take a little work on my part, but is hardly impossible. javascript is not so difficult. and i got the dhtml to work on my homepage. (well. in ie, at least.) its progress. all the web shit is progressing, slowly. more work on this. probably to be done on all those lonely weekends. *sigh*

3. new apartment. working on this. going to see a rather spiffy sounding place tomorrow! fireplace! bathtub with FEET! oh yeah.

4. be healthier, at the least. i'd say i'd go and exercise and whittle myself away, but fuck it. i'd settle for quitting smoking, going off the diet pills and improving my diet. unfortunately i seem to be addicted to nicotine, caffeine, ma huang and crappy food. i actually have fruit at my house right now tho! a wee start.

not alot to want. not impossible. in my typical mode, there was a dream that i had that was a superb outline of happiness for me:: the apartment looked out over the ocean, with a wide wooden patio. there was a big dog! i came home excited about something that had happened at work/(school?)... (enthusiasm for the daily grind? NOVEL!)started cooking and setting the table for dinner. boy comes home, gives me big hug... i remember standing there, looking out the window, talking to him... (whoever he was)... felt very happy.

basically, i am sitting here thinking about how things could be for me, since right now things aren't so hot.

update::514pm:: yah, so i was in a poor mood this morning. i think i sort of had an overreaction to skaterboy calling vs. not calling. i dunno. i guess i have this urge to wanna be priority, you know? but like i don't wanna work for it, or wait for it, understand? and its all so ingrained, its all so automatic, i almost don't notice what i'm doing, until i'm in the middle of it. its kinda weird, and kinda fucked up. it's hard for me to stay mellow about these things. i get so uptight about wanting to be important, or accepted. lame. gah. but at least i am kind of aware! this. this is something to be happy about.

on a brighter side, my boss sat down with me this afternoon and told me i was doing a really great job with the move into production, and that i had some of THE CLEANEST CODE IN THE DEPARTMENT. wooop. he also allayed my fears that i was running a really poor QA history. for some reason i thought all those bugs were egregious, but apparently i am running less than the norm. yah, all this is pretty lame, but it made me happy. =) i obviously need some more excitement in my life.

brrrp. on home, clean me, clean my apartment, eat dinner, begin the wait to see if skaterboy will call. or if he will come over. I RESOLVE TO ASK HIM TO COME OVER THIS EVENING. i will. i will. can you imagine a life where you have to buckle yourself down in order to invite a guy to your house????.... *sigh*. therapy. please.