1999-12-28

uh. well. its nine o'clock on tuesday, dec. 28th? the year is winding down into the sort of oblivion i have been craving for some time now. THANK GOD.

my mom and i haven't been getting on so hot, and more than once i have found myself kind of wishing that i could go home sooner than later. but oh well. what can you do.

tonight we had, errrr... she had some of her friends over for drinks. which was all fine and well... i can usually tolerate sitting through a few hours with some old ladies... learn something, be polite. drink your wine and try not to swear too much. not too hard. it got a little hard when my mom started ranting about how upset it makes her that liberals condone abortion, how disgusted she is at the liberal sects of the catholic church that discreetly tell women that they think abortion is okay. then of course the two other batty women started barking in about how terrible it is, and yes, aren't people/society/everyone going down the drain with this sort of thing.

and my mom just carried on.

i totally couldn't believe it. i threw her a few sidelong glances. and she saw them. and she continued on. so i got up and left the room. after her friends left i tried getting pissed and yelling at her. but i felt too tired and went out to smoke on the balcony instead. crazy. she and i haven't talked about the whole thing... underlying tension to things, which is prolly why she and i haven't been talking much.

other than that, i'm really irritated that this is all coming up on me again, like bad cafeteria food. i've been thinking about all this baby crap again. i thought i wouldn't. i thought i was totally done. i've been so ill about thinking about it. i swore off of it. and now its all bubbling up to the top. and i'm left wondering if it will always be around, lurking in corners and dark nights and times when i don't have enough going on in my outer life to buffer me from everything spinning around in my feeble little brain.

last night in fair drunkeness i started being really sorry about not having the baby again. depressing. since its over, and there is no baby anymore and i can't bring it back anymore than i can shrink into a four-year old again. i think i was really kind of weirded out when alex said something about whether or not the baby really existed or not. i mean. i realize for him, there was no existence. i realize that there was really no existence of that baby for anyone but me. and that makes me feel crazy, and sad. and alone all over again. always with this alone thing.

i dunno. i'm glad i don't have the baby, in some ways. but i feel selfish. and i feel blue. and when i cry about it, i cry harder then i have ever or will ever cry about anything. just a real empty lost feeling, you know?

oh well. my mom is hounding me and hovering around me. waiting/wanting her man to call her. as usual. one track mind. totally focused on her and her wants. she and i clash in this respect, since hey... i get that self-centrism from her, and i hate that she focuses on anything besides me. but whatever. another night of playing solitaire and listening to folk implosion.... god that sounds lame. maybe even lamer than it is.

maybe i will finish my letter to skaterboy. the hard thing with that is i can't figure out whether or not to tell him i miss him. i mean, i DO MISS HIM. its the truth. but i feel genuinely scared to tell him that. it's so sad. i remember the first night when he told me he was happy he met me because i am so real. i almost laughed. i feel so far from real, on any given day. i don't think i would even know how to be soft and honest and open anymore.