2000-09-18

san francisco heat wave... and i have retreated to the bowels of my little apartment for the duration... which is probably why i have been writing in here so much... the whole rest of the world just seems so far away right now... like it doesn't exist anywhere but in the far off sounds of cars and in the ringing sounds of other people's telephones.

its been a hard day... started cleaning out old cupboards (literally and figuratively)... read through old diaries and refelt a million old pains, old thoughts that used to consume and kill me in so many ways... things i thought would never die away, things that i had forgotten about, but have been carrying within me through so much time.

read through a stack of old emails between alex and i... three years worth of bandied emotion, and i read through every line, grimacing at my need, and pained at that gnaw of love that glowed through everything i said... perplexed at his ellipses and astounded at the beauty of some of his words...

i don't know what could be said about it at all. so much pain, and alot of faith too. i read the diary entry i wrote the day after i found out that i was pregnant and i doubled over in a silent sobbing scream... i read the diary entry i wrote the day after alex and i broke up and everything broke and i just cried and cried and cried... i don't know why it is so hard to let people go... tho i have. but there is a space inside of me, where he used to be. an empty little space, that won't ever go away.

five candles and "do what you have to do" by sarah mclachlan. time to sigh and go to sleep.

its been a long day.