2000-06-07

okay. i am back on the positive thought bandwagon. most likely because i have no other idea of what to do with myself.

i talked to my dad just a little while ago. he called me up to talk me into going to this family reunion in july. on the phone he was telling me family history stories, and i listened even tho i have heard most of them before.

in accord with the stern lectures john has given him recently about me, dad was trying to be all parental. this was very strange. it felt weird for him to be lecturing me about going to the dentist. that seems to be the sort of thing mom should be doing, since she is the same mom who talks to me about all the other 99.98% of the aspects of my life.

i dunno. at the concert on sunday, i was telling john about all my difficulties in relating to my dad, and how it sometimes seems like the whole thing will stagnate and never get better, and one or both of us will die without anything even getting better, without certain barriers ever going away. part of the reason i don't want to go to this family reunion is that it seems sort of false, like how can i go half-way across the country to put on one of those false faces to meet all these distant relatives? especially when i am going to have to carry that false face with my own father?

seems like too much stress. and not at all like any fun.

bleh. so that is that. nothing solved, but no shit hitting the proverbial fan. i am trying to make myself feel better, and trying to regain some of the ground that just slipped out from under my feet. its been a radical year so far, every way in which it began is changing all around and its all a little confusing.

perhaps i should go back to school?

i dunno. so many fucking options.