2000-02-09

well its 1130 and skaterboy didnt call, and i greeted that with a mixture of resignation and sadness. i feel irrationally angry at him, like if i saw him i would want to hit him. i don't know why.

it's not like sperm is his fault. its not like my self-destruction is his fault. but i feel real angry anyway. i'm just a bad, angry person lately.

i have had a headache all day, tired tired tired. the iron pills are making me sick to my stomach, and i retched in the bathroom at work today. all in all not a nice time to be me.

i feel remarkably like an idiot. everything is such a fucking joke. its like i try so hard to put basis under the things that i say and do. i try so hard to make things matter. and in the end everything is just the same steaming pile of crap i started with, but now i have shit all over my hands.

the thing with skaterboy, its all so weak. luke is plainly not the right person for me, but i'm reluctant to admit that, because if i do, i cease the soap opera dramas i have built up around him, and i am left feeling all alone.

how i would be any less alone than i am right now, when i have spent about 30 minutes with him in the last month, i don't know. how i could feel much more alone than i did in the bathroom this morning, sweating and shaking and thinking "i'm so fucking sick of everything"... i really couldn't be worse off.

but there is a mind factor in there somewhere, that keeps me acting. perhaps i get bored with myself otherwise.

i've gotten sporadic commentary from people who read this that i am indeed fucked up, and i really shouldn't question it. which i don't, really.

and to the wonderment on why i would expose my words in the first place: i don't really care who sees the shitty sides of my mind or life. what difference does it make? what do i have to hide? at the best, people will look down on me and leave me alone.

i know i'm lost and ignorant and confused. i admit the things that i know. its not really the things that i know that are causing the problems for me. not right now, at least.