2000-05-23

8pm. two candles burning, joe sample snapping away jazzily at his piano. i ate mango sorbet and read stranger in a strange land. i have to shower.

don't snicker. if you were outside in san francisco today, you probably do too.

yesterday i drank up a whole bottle of cough medicine and ended up puking in the bushes outside of safeway on church.

i have so many proud proud moments.

chris had just finished asking me "what sort of person do you want to be?"

it was an extraordinarily difficult question to answer... it's not that it ever changes, its that it seems to elusive.

i feel like i am seventy different people. weak and strong, obnoxious and kind.

who can narrow it all down?

i used to think to myself, that inside i felt like the song sarah by fleetwood mac. that was about 7 years ago.

about six years ago i was a hole song, through and through. everything in my life was swirling about in the phlegm of courtney love's throat.

i went into phases where i changed alot. i was a dinosaur jr. song inside, for a long time. that was about 5 years ago.

things shifted for awhile. i felt like a pm dawn song inside. that was about 4 years ago, and that was a very happy time.

three years ago, i was one long, looping version of daydream nation. it walked with me for hours and hours and hours and sprawled and rocketed and rioted me to the ground. it was an anxious time.

two years ago, i was a fresh, long remix of a free kitten song. one of the dj spooky ones. as soon as i decided to move out to san francisco, i became sunday off of thousand leaves.

one year ago at this time i was a julie ruin song.

this year i am all over the place. i am every song with throbbing beats or soaring guitar. i feel more sensuous and hypnotized this year.

when i look into the future, i wouldn't mind being a joe sample song. i would be a person who had energy in sadness and the ability to feel poignancy with a beautiful detachment; stronger than i am now.

i can imagine being a billie holiday song, but that seems like something i would have to earn, that sort of sorrow.... perhaps in twenty or thirty more years i can achieve that sort of elegant melancholy.

most of all i want to follow through with my new plan, to address all groups and gatherings of guys with the following:

"...'sup SLUTS"