2000-01-30

wow. what a lazy day. the drixx bliss has subsided, i have spent all day laying in bed with pbs on the teevee, sliding around the muck of the internet, reading about the ancient greeks. practicing javascript. cooking kosher bean soup for dinner. yums.

*yawn*. i've also been indulging skater fetish all day today. skaterboy told me yesterday that his friend who makes the zine is into me working on a site for him, so he's sending a buncha crap to me to use. this is awesome, of course, and gets me excited about learning things, getting down and dirty with photoshop, actually bothering to learn how to design to netscape. woohoo. rock on. it also gives me something to do with all my spare time, better than me sitting around obsessing about skaterboy. i can obsess over lots of skater boys this way!!

blah. bored. whateverness. i got into a fight with my mom today. i was telling her about the random conversation i had with alex yesterday, and she was like, "oh whatever. let the 20y/o have him. i hate him." WHAT? as if its all his fault or something? as if we have to point and blame his sperm and not me and my choices and my decisions? i fucking hate how i get nulled out, as if i can't even own the experience, own the mistake.

i guess somewhere deep down, all this is easier for her to deal with when she thinks that i had weepingly appealed to alex "oh help im pregnant and lost and alone", and he had assholishly spurned me and his "responsibilities" therein. then, i, penniless and distraught, of course would have to have an abortion, since this roguish man has refused to marry me. its like a fucking alcott novel. i retain my purity and innocence. she blames someone she doesn't really know. everything is packaged away.

i guess this rationalizes it all to her. i guess this is why she can ramble to me about alan keyes is a wonderful man and his stance on abortion is plausible and good, even though that man says flat out that only HORRIBLE PEOPLE kill unborn babies. when i tried to talk to her about it today she kept trying to change the subject. i was like, "why are you avoiding this? why are you being so lame about this?" she kept pretending that she didn't hear me. i wanted to talk about it, not avoid it. i don't think she should skip over talking about it with me, then bring it up in one of her fits of drunkeness, over dinner, when we have GUESTS that i really didn't feel had to hear about my private life like that. what the fuck.

i dunno. i got pissed and i hung up. mom doesn't know how it happened. she doesn't know that i had sex without any protection. she doesn't know that i told alex in the same breath impregnantdontworryaboutitimnotgonnahaveit. i dunno. maybe it all should have been talked about. maybe i would feel less guilty and cry less sometimes if i knew that i had given it all due thought. maybe i would feel less empty, and less selfish. maybe.

but i couldn't really imagine a horror more than what my life would be right now if i hadn't decided what i did. i would've been due around now. bah. i wouldn't be able to revel in all this shallowness. i'd be having a baby.

shit. i've gone and gotten myself depressed now.