2000-05-30

it has finally happened. i achieved some semblence of depression.

for about the past three days tiredness has creeped up on me. sleeping close to 12 hours a night, being tired all day; all day wanting be back in bed asleep. i am not sure of the cause. maybe it is female issues. maybe i am getting sick. maybe it is a year-ago throw back, maybe not.

spent alot of time yesterday thinking about life direction, a topic almost guaranteed to throw me into spirals of self-illusion, perplexion and doubt. too many choices, and not enough options. i have a distinct lack of focus when it comes to my future, and every day my future is eroding away.

then i start to feel badly, because in reality i have nothing to feel poorly about. nothing is wrong, of course, but nothing is particularly right.

just a few days ago i was feeling quite strong, and really good about myself. now i am starting to feel useless and crappy.

work is an endless stream of web surfing days. sounds better than it is: slacking when you are sneaking it in is enjoyable. slacking forced upon you by a shady lack of work to accomplish makes every day feel empty. i am happy when i can come into work knowing i have alot to do, and i can leave feeling like i really accomplished something... right now work is the farthest thing from that.

today i talked to the paying in pain guy about the site. usually this gets me excited and happy, thinking about making it all better, learning new things, having a project to be involved with. instead i just ended up feeling shitty about the whole thing, like everything i am doing is sub-par, and horrible. he didn't say anything to that effect. in fact he praised 90% of what i have done. my feelings have nothing to do with anything he said, of course. they are born, instead, out of this general malaise.

there was a future drug-testing rumour floating around at work. it made me laugh, thinking how they would have to fire 80% of the working souls at this company. drug testing. how stupid.

agh. maybe it is all hormones. monthly trends of discontent. i dunno. i'm even hating this diary, and everything i have online. i'm hating having my life thrust out in the open, even as i write this. i dunno what sort of cage i am building for myself with this shit.

ergh. so that is that. i was snappy and icks with my mom on the phone. i hate when i do that. she is so far away, all the way over on the east coast. and i love her so much. but she pushed buttons and i respond in kind, and it all gets nasty very quickly. in the past two weeks two of her friends have found out that they have cancer. my mom is 70 years old, and still pretty healthy, despite how she looks older and older everytime i see her. it hurts in a strange way, to watch her body sort of wear away. her mind and spirit are still as annoyingly evocative as ever.

sometimes i just think i wish i would die off before her; i don't know how i could deal with her death. she is the one person i am closest to in the entire world. she is the one who knows me, for better or worse. when i think about her passing away, i feel a lonely abstraction that leaps from my feet to my head and back again. i want freedom in life, like everyone. but freedom can mean alot of disconnection and space between yourself and the rest of the world. its a fine line that i am poor at treading.

i guess lonely is the theme all over again. hell. typing all this is making me lonely. why don't i have someone i could tell all these things to? why do i always have to be by myself? i'm tired of having to be strong and self-sufficient. i am tired of being strong for other people, of helping other people. i am tired of having to be strong enough to keep the yuckiness and badness inside of me away from other people, of being strong enough to not hurt them back when they hurt me. i'm tired of trying to be the better person, the strong person, the good person.

it's all alot to swallow, sometimes.