1999-12-31

geez. everytime i log into diaryland and enter the MEMBERS AREA i just feel so special. either special, or kind of itchy, like the itchy i used to feel in the fake members only jacket my mom bought for me in tijuana when i was eight. how fond.

today today today... was really pretty bland. finally saw rushmore and i have to say that i really liked it. it left me in this really weird, happy mood. typically, it takes hell and highwater to bring a spiritual-high to this crunchy-bacon soul. i haven't been that uplifted after a movie since american beauty. (yes. that movie uplifted me. no, i didn't think it was depressing. everyone just SHUT UP.)

and uh. i downloaded netscape 4.7, in an effort to begin making any possible page i make into something palatable for the netscape browser ethos. difficult, and kind of pointless. now i am busy pulling pretty mp3s from killrockstars.

the local radio station i listened to here cancelled their new year's show. dear lord. i hope nothing really happens come midnight tomorrow. not that it will... but pessimism is getting the best of me.

so in the spirit, i have been thinking lately if there were things i would want to say to people in my life, if i thought total annihilation were looming in sinister ways around me... you know... like the things that you should have said but never did. luckily i'm a total moron without any semblence of tact and a giant yapping mouth to boot. but..

this is all i could come up with today...

1. joe: i loved you so much. we're both lucky we didn't get married... it would have been so wrong. i could never forget you, ever, you fixed a broken girl and sent her off again. i don't regret that you have pictures of me to fall out of books twenty years from now. (if you still have any left).

2. dad: i love you. when i sent you that letter when i was twelve, i wanted you to come running after me, not leave me alone for six years. we'll probably never be close, at this rate. i'll regret it all forever.

3. luke/skaterboy: i like you. i'm nervous and shifty and crass and sarcastic because i am scared shitless about feelings right now. i hope you are the patient sort. i really really really hope that you like me.

4. chris: there are so many mean things i never should have said to you. there are alot of things i never should have done. for some reason we are still friends. don't think i don't notice, and don't ever think that i don't care. however careless i seem about things.

5. alex: that old lady in my dream wasn't just crying, she was crying about her soulmate. i don't even believe in that sort of thing... but that's what she said. and that's why i was scared enough to follow it for two and a half years. and you are wrong... you already were in my life at that point. i'm sorry everything had to break and splinter and hurt like it did. i know we will never be close and that sucks. but i think we went through what we were meant to. i've never loved anyone as much as i loved you. and i will always love you. in that past, subtle ache sort of way.