2000-05-02

oh life.

skaterboy called last night and left me a somewhat weird message about sending him letters and not calling him. "anal", he called it.

i called him back. "anal?", i said.

"oh no, that's not what i meant. well. do you feel weird calling me or something?"

"yeah. i guess i do."

"why?"

"i dunno."

he is supposed to come and pick up some of the pictures he gave me. today or saturday. he was being sort of mean to me... his roommates being weird, too, in the background. i feel i have a strange, if not very poor, reputation around that place.

ah well. i wish he would cut me some slack.

how could i explain?

"yes. i act like an ass alot of the time. but try to understand it from my point of view... let's say that you are carrying on in your life, ladeda... you are who you think you are, believe all the things that you think you believe, aiming towards all the things that you think you want.

then, say, something happens that takes all that away. you are no longer wanting what you thought you wanted. you did and have done things that never went along with who you thought you were. suddenly you aren't the person you thought at all.

suddenly everything you thought you believed is gone. you don't know what in the world is inside you, you don't quite understand the world around you anymore. you feel somewhat lost, and awfully, awfully scared.

would you know how to be? towards yourself? towards others? would you know what to do with the days that present themselves to you? what actions to take? what thoughts to keep? which ones to discard? "

it all becomes a big mess, and all that sense of security you have in yourself and others just dissipates into alot of nothing.

that's where all the events of last year left me.

adrift.

so yes, skaterboy, yes. i act like a total irrational ass sometimes. i do things that don't make sense. i say things that seem cryptic and strange.

it doesn't mean that i am a shitty person. it doesn't mean that i am lame, or deserve to be made fun of.

it just means that i am doing my best to recuperate myself, and refind myself in the muddle of my mind.

*sigh*

of course i won't manage to explain myself like this to him. everything will remain strange and hidden and obscure and hard.

but it doesn't mean that i'm not trying. all i really need from people these days is patience. cuz i know that in me is a person who is worth being patient for.