2000-05-16

woke up today somewhat slow and morose. decided against going to work. instead i sit here listening to joe sample, waiting to see if the rain is going to pour. i feel distinctly out of sorts. long-winded and active dreams. long-time ago thought popping out all over the place... those sort of random, non-contextual memories, the ones for which you can't even discern the reasons your mind would bother to store them.

i'm off to the laundromat now.

update:1123pm::

i am listening to new sonic youth. it is fine and wonderful, as always. they lovingly fail to disappoint, those three+steve.

today walking around i felt like i was walking around in a bubble. i felt these eyes alighting on me, from boys around me and such. but for whatever reason looks just bounced off of me and reflected back at their sender. i didn't feel any of them. i couldn't feel any of them. i was all out and totally inside, if you know what i mean.

i don't know why that was. but it made me feel lonely, and sad. sometimes i look around, and i love this city so incredibly much, but i walk around and look around sometimes and it just feels lonely and sad. everyone scurrying around like they have all these important things and lives and people to be with, to go to. i dunno. maybe they do... but i so rarely do. it makes me wonder what is wrong with me, that i don't have any reasons to go scurrying along. it makes me wonder what is wrong with me that i always think, HEY I WANNA TALK TO THAT PERSON, and by the time i smile they are 20 miles along to infinity.

i dunno. i guess either i have it all right, or i am just a loser. or hey... maybe all that is one in the same?